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:iconricardobastiaan:
Think the story is very nice and I experience similar in life, but to make it stronger I have a suggestion for the next four sentences.

I realised that you are selfish and ugly on the inside.

On the surface you pretended to care, but like a cancer;

You amputate someone the moment you think they've gone bad.

You hide from the rigours of life and only emerge like a parasite


I think the difference between the first sentence and the second is quite big, calling someone selfish and in the next phrase a "cancer" is for me a big step. So I would like to see that you increase it by steps and I think you already did that with the sentences afterwards, so maybe shuffle them around and end with the second phrase.

It would mean that you probably need to re-phrase something but I do think that the gap between the two is quite big.
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Professional Writer
I think that this particular part about the poem is entirely subjective, the switch between what you feel is soft and something heavy, is what delivers the impact for me. On that basis I cannot accept this critique as it is based on a subjective criteria ^^;

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconricardobastiaan:
ricardobastiaan Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
It is definately subjective but just venting my opinion :)
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Professional Writer
Nah that's alright :3 You're welcome to it but I can't accept it is all because subjective taste varies largely.

I am actually releasing a critiquing guide soon, to demonstrate how to do a proper objective critique marked on a scale without putting in a subjective opinion (which is not allowed in a critique) xD

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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:iconricardobastiaan:
ricardobastiaan Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012
Cool :) it is also my lack of understanding the technique behind writing I guess :)
Thanks for understanding
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Nope, your understanding of writing is probably correct xD However, in critiques there are certain things that are allowed and certain things that aren't allowed. A subjective response is one of them because of the unfair (instant fail criteria) is 'not objective'. Which is why it has to be graded kind of like a school assignment, but I'll explain more soon. Guide should be up tomorrow ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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